Invictus

What Dies Inside Us While We Live -- Part 6

ceillean@gmail.com — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 17:36:31 GMT

“You look exhausted.” Kyp leaned back and simply nodded. Patiently as ever, Gorden waited for Kyp to go on but somehow he lacked the strength to summon the words. For a moment he wondered if he should tell Gorden about his dream. But he was still shaken up about it and he doubted he could find the words to express how he really felt. Anger and fear and hatred towards himself didn’t cut it. “I didn’t sleep well.” “Do you want to talk about it?” “No.” He cleared his throat, tugging at the collar of his tunic. “Not yet.” They lapsed into a short, ill-fitting silence while Kyp glanced around the office. It gave him comfort seeing such normal things in a rather uncomfortable environment. Gorden’s holopictures on his desk, his children and wife smiling… Kyp wondered if he would ever have that. Happiness with a family of his own. Who would ever want to be with you? A murderer of millions… He shrunk away from the dark voice inside his mind and forced a little smile when he met Doc Gorden’s piercing gaze. It felt like the man could look right through him, as if he knew all of Kyp’s dark secrets he kept hidden from the entire universe. He’d became so good at hiding his true feelings, making people around him think that he was doing well, that after everything that had happened, he was leading a normal life. It was amazing how easily the average person was fooled. “What do you want to talk about?” Kyp sighed and rubbed his eyes, glancing back towards the desk with the pictures of Doc Gordon’s family. It made him think back to his parents and brother, when they’d still been happy, before the Empire and before Kessel. “My parents died in the mines.” He said softly, thinking that Gorden’s daughter was a beautiful little girl. “We’d been there for maybe a year. The prisoners started a revolt. My mother wanted to protect me but one of the other prisoners tore her away.” His eyes grew distant as he remembered the day that was burned into his memory for eternity. “The man was big. But in a fat sort of way. I remember thinking that if he fell, he wouldn’t be able to get up.” Kyp swallowed, still staring at Doc Gorden’s family, wondering if they were always as happy as they seemed to be in the picture. “He smiled at my mother. I don’t remember what he said to her but my mom slapped him. He tried to kiss her.” Kyp’s brow furrowed and he felt anger boiling through his veins. “He wouldn’t let her go and he threw her to the ground. I was too small to do any damage but I tried to pull him away. My mother kept screaming for me to leave but I needed to help her.” Kyp closed his eyes, blocking away the image of the happy family atop the desk. “He swatted me away like a fly.” His chuckle was mirthless. “I lay on the ground listening to my mothers’ screams when I heard my dad. I watched as he struggled to get the prisoner away from my mother. He managed and they got into a fight. A fight my dad didn’t survive.” Doc Gorden listened in silence, watching as Kyp did his best to hold it together. When Kyp opened his eyes, his gaze wandered back to the desk, back to the holopictures. Back towards happiness that had been withheld from him for so long. “The prisoner grabbed a rock and pounded my dad with it. I remember a lot of blood. And I remember my mother’s cries.” Prolonged silence ensued as Kyp avoided Gorden’s eyes. He didn’t want to be faced with pity, not again. He had had enough of that for one life time, along with ridicule and hatred. Normality – was it too much to ask? “What happened then?” Kyp shrugged. “I don’t remember much afterward. My mother got sick. Some sort of flu I think, I’m not sure. She died in her sleep. I was the only kid in the mines, did you know that?” Gorden drew in a breath and Kyp finally looked up and met his gaze head on. He was surprised, though. He didn’t see pity there. He saw hope.

Stuff

ceillean@gmail.com — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 10:14:55 GMT

I've been in a contemplative mood the past few days. I don't have much of reason to ponder everything and anything but I tend to do so, especially when trying to watch television. I've had a few days off and once I'm done cleaning, once I'm fed up with reading and writing, I watch TV. And I get bored.

TV-land has turned into junk,honestly. There's nothing remotely interesting. In the mornings (we call it housewife TV) you have reality shows that are just plain stupid, then there's this entertainment crap they actually call news and after that, talkshows and court shows.
How about a documentary now and then? Something that could actually help you learn something. Ugh.

Lilly is only allowed to watch the kiddie stuff. It's annoying but cute I have to admit.

I need to head into the kitchen and start cooking in a bit. It's Gulash today.

What else is new in my world?

I'm being interviewed on the boards! Which I think is very cool. On the FanFic Resource boards there's an Author Interview Thread and I'm up next. I was STUNNED when Nat asked me if I would do it. Me? Of all the fantastic writers on the boards, they want to interview me next? Stunned and speachless I tell you.

I've started reading Alexandra Potter again. She's such a funny writer, even though her main female characters are mostly entirely idiotic typical stupid females. *sighs* Maybe she portrays the average woman, I don't know. All I know is that I sure as hell cannot relate to the way these woman behave.
So we have this old guy, claiming a young cute guy just punched him for no reason other than he was seeing his mother.

She was aghast that the cute guy had punched the old guy. And hence, she started hating the cute guy.

First off, how about asking questions instead of just believing one side of the story? Secondly, why be shocked when men punch each other? If they have a good enough reason, have at it!

As said, the one thing I really don't like about her books is the female character acting stupid. Otherwise the stories are really cute. And thanks for that, otherwise I would have chucked the books out the window.

I baught a book called "The Captive Flesh" a while ago. I haven't read it yet and I won't. I skimmed through the pages and that was quite enough. I'm an open minded person, I really am. But this is even too much for me. Male dominance, female obedience in the most oscene, deragatory form there is. It's hideous.

But it seems a lot of people read these kind of novels because there's a huge scene, especially on the net.

Sherrylin Kenyon has two new books out for a new series I'm looking forward to reading. The League. Assassin's I believe. Assassin stories are always cool. ^^

I've been playing Assassin's Creed 2 on the Xbox. A whole lot of fun, I tell you. I'm learning to kill people quietly. ^^ And honestly, I'm keeping this stuff in mind for later fanfic or original stories. You never know.

Last night I started on a story about old letters found in a trunk hidden in the attic. Early 1900's maybe? I think the idea is cute, especially since you can have a dramatic love story revolve around these letters. Maybe even something paranormal? Like witchcraft perhaps? There are so many possibilities.

But it's a time issue, as usual. *sighs*

I just got done hanging up laundry to dry. I could do with a dryer, right about now, honestly. It's amazing how long it takes to hang up baby socks and baby undies. Ugh.

I should cook now. Kinda hungry.

Holy Shit

ceillean@gmail.com — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 05:36:22 GMT

I haven't felt this crappy in forever.

First off, I have a cold. A really bad cold this time around. I thought it was about done with until I started hacking up half a lung. I sound like frickin Darth Vader when I breathe, seriously. It's not fun.

I'm on sick leave because of my shoulder. I have something called bursitis and holy hell it hurts! I can't lift my arm. And here I had thought that while being home I could enjoy a little time away from work. Well, tough luck, huh? I got sick.

And right at this moment I feel like I'm going to puke any minute now. My stomach is rebelling, I tell you. I considered sleeping in front of the toilet but it didn't work. Because everything wants to stay inside and make me feel miserable. When I lay down, it's worse. When I move around, it's disgusting. When i sit up, it's tolerable. So sleeping is out of the question right about now.

Oh, and then I stepped on my glasses just now. Twisted frame. This day is just starting out perfectly, isn't it?

I HATE feeling nauseous. It's the most disgusting thing ever! HATE IT.

I need a miracle pill. God,, I hope this'll be over soon. I haven't slept in almost two days and I'm exhausted.

*cries*

At least I had fun watching Supernatural. See, not even a stupid cold can kill all the humor inside of me. Muhahahahahahaahaha!

What Dies Within Us While We Live -- Part 5

ceillean@gmail.com — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 21:38:06 GMT

The ground shook beneath Kyp’s feet. It happened with a sudden jolt that he lost his balance and fell forward. He caught himself on his elbows and slowly glanced up into the face of his grinning second half, the part of him that he wanted to bury forever. The part of him – and this was severely hard to admit – that scared him.

“You are one kriffed up individual, aren’t you?” The Dark Side crouched before him and laughed. “I want to show you something.” He winked and reached out to pat Kyp’s head. Kyp shied away with a growl, narrowing green eyes in contempt.

“Watch and learn.” The Dark Side said straightening to his full height. He placed a hand on the butt of his lightsaber, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the world around them was opening up at the seams.

Literally.

The horizon split in half with an ear-shattering blow. Startled, Kyp stumbled backward, eyes wide as he watched the crack move downward to the ground and widen into a steep chasm. White Smoke billowed upward and the temperature rose at a startling rate. He watched in horrid fascination as the once beautiful green grass evaporated into smoke, the tall single tree caught fire in an instant, burning so brightly that it hurt Kyp’s eyes.

And still the ground shook.

From within the chasm Kyp suddenly heard voices. The sounds chilled him to the bone, wails and screams – people in panic, people in pain.

Curiosity got the better of him and Kyp stepped closer. He gaped at what he saw yet he was too drawn to the scene to move away.

“What is this?” He asked softly. A fierce wind whipped around him, bringing along the stench of decay. He felt nauseous.

“This is your doing.” The Dark Side said. “Or rather my doing. Quite proud of myself, really.”

Kyp frowned and shook his head. “I don’t understand.”

“This is what you did, Kyp. What we did. Mere seconds before Carida exploded, this is what the planet looked like. This is the death these people had to endure. Well, before they got blown up and torn to microscopic shreds, that is.”

He couldn’t believe it. He didn’t want to believe it. It was a trick – it had to be!

The voices from within the chasm, from beneath his feet grew louder. Seconds later Kyp watched as hands extended into the air, the skin burned off their bones, leaving only blisters and tattered, bloody flesh. Hands that were mere bones gripped the edge of the abyss and horrified, Kyp watched as remains of humans crawled upward.

Skeletons.

Broken.

Bloody.

Burned.

Kyp backed up, trying to block out the noises of the shaking ground, of the wailing cries and of the Dark Side laughing next to him.

“We did great here, didn’t we? All this death and destruction. I get the kicks and giggles just watching all this. Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.” He rubbed his hands together and laughed like a child receiving a birthday present. “And this is just the beginning.”

“Stop it.” Kyp said between clenched teeth, his voice low and shaky.

The Dark Side merely grinned. “Can’t handle the truth?”

“Stop it. Now.”

“Or what?” He threw his head back and laughed, raising his voice to be heard over the sounds of destruction. “You feel like getting into a fight with yourself?” His tone had an incredulous edge to it. “You’ll lose.” A frown appeared on the Dark Side’s face, making him seem older, wearier. “You cannot best me.”

But Kyp knew he could. Even if the dark side was still a part of him, it was his choice alone to let it out and he’d proven that he had the strength to keep it at bay. No matter what his other half intended, Kyp would not let it win.

“I don’t want to best you.” He whispered, his eyes glued to the dying people crawling towards him. Corpses appeared on the ground, burning with smoke twirling into the air. Slowly the sounds of anguish died away – slowly those crawling simply ceased to exist.

Just like that, death surrounded him.

“Death will always follow you, Kyp Durron.” The Dark Side moved closer, his voice a mere whisper. “Wherever you walk, people will die. People who choose to love you will perish. And you will be alone forever.”

The taunts meant nothing to Kyp. And why should they? He’d told himself the same damned thing over and over again. Anyone whoever meant anything to Kyp would leave sooner or later. It was the way of things.

But he would have been lying if he’d said the thought didn’t frighten him. Being alone again? The concept of forever was beyond him but he didn’t like alone period.

You do it to yourself all the time.

He took for granted the people around him, the people wanting to be his friend. The only one he ever opened up to was Han. Everyone else – well, he didn’t trust them.

The Dark Side laughed and shook his head, the long braid swinging back and forth along his back. “And to think I am a part this wimpy kid! Hard to believe you have it in you to kill in a heartbeat.”

It grew quiet all of a sudden. No more sounds of pain and hurt. Nothing at all. Just a field of the dead.

Kyp closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This was his dream after all. And so he changed the scene. He imagined the green grass, the tree, the beautiful blue sky.

Peace.

He wanted peace.

“It’s a lie.” The Dark Side tsked him. “Peace is overrated and it’s such a stupid lie. Peace isn’t what gives us power.”

“Shut up.”

“It’s life that gives us power. Life! We can create life and we can destroy it.” The Dark side chuckled. “We can play Gods if we want. Rule the galaxy.”

Kyp opened his eyes and a smile tugged at his lips. Everything was back to normal. Green grass, single tree, blue sky. He shifted his gaze to the Dark Side. “You don’t have the hold over me that you thought. Leave and don’t come back.”

Not surprisingly, he laughed. The Dark Side seemed to find a lot of things hilariously funny. “You can’t just send me away.”

“I can.”

He shook his head and Kyp detected concern, worry. And he knew he was on the right path.

“You cannot get rid of me!” He extended a hand and Kyp felt power building up all around them. Seconds passed without anything happening and right when he felt sure nothing would come of the Dark Side’s anger, he found himself flung through the air like a doll. Arms and legs flailed as he flew countless meters. The wind sizzled passed his ears, almost like a song just for him.

Then he crashed onto the hard ground, wheezing as the air escaped his lungs. His arm hurt and he was sure he cracked a rib.

What a very painful dream.

“I told you I’m stronger than you.” He heard the voice of the Dark Side but when Kyp sat up, he was nowhere to be seen. “You can’t live without me.”

Now it was Kyp’s turn to laugh and it actually felt good, a release of sorts. “Maybe I can’t. But I can control you. And that scares the hell out of you, doesn’t it?”

There was a scream in the wind and Kyp was slammed backward into the grass. A weight settled upon his chest – he could hardly breathe. He gasped for air, tried to move away from the invisible force holding him down. But he had no other choice than to give up as his strength seeped away and all turned black.

***

There was a sweet scent in the air, like flowers on a warm summer’s day. Kyp was still dreaming and he desperately wanted to wake up in the real world. He felt soft cool soil beneath his fingers as he slowly opened his eyes. He could lay like this forever, he thought.

Away from all the haunting images in his mind.

This was perfect. It was peaceful.

“You’ve faced your past and your present.”

Startled, Kyp sat up and turned to a new voice, frowning as he saw a young woman sitting cross legged in front of him. She was close enough for him to touch and the sweet scent of flowers was coming from her. “Now your future awaits you.”

“This is, by far, the weirdest dream I’ve ever had.”

The woman smiled. “Maybe. But all dreams carry a meaning.”

She was beautiful. And why not? After all the devastation he’d witnessed, it was about time his mind came up with something delightful to look at. Chocolate brown eyes watched him, long dark hair lay around slender shoulders and her tanned skin reminded him of the Corellian ale Han liked so much. She was of slender built, short and yet somehow he knew she wasn’t at all fragile.

“Do I know you?”

She chuckled, a beautiful sound to his ears. “That’s not important.”

“It is to me.”

“Have you learned anything here?”

Of course he had. He’d learned that he wasn’t quite right in the head.

She laughed again. “That’s not exactly what I meant.”

“You can read my mind?”

She simply smiled and got to her feet a fluid, graceful motion. Kyp watched, entranced by her presence. There was just something about her…

“Who are you?” He asked again, frowning.

She extended hand for him to grasp and she helped him to his feet with a sharp tug. They stared at each other for a long moment and it seemed like time simply stood still.

It was strange, to say the least.

“If you should ever fall,” she reached up and gently cupped the side of his face in her hand. “I will be there to catch you.”

***

“Wake up, Kyp!”

Oh yeah, back to the real world. He heard Jaina’s plaintive call loud and clear and if he didn’t know better, she was kneeling beside him. Shaking him. On the floor.

He remembered then. He’d fallen asleep after coming home from the Doc’s office, after having his little tantrum.

“Are you okay?” Jaina asked with wide eyes. She was still wearing her nightgown, a pink lacy thing with tiny red hearts.

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine. You were shaking and you’re sweating.”

And he’d ransacked the room he realized when he sat up. Jacen and Anakin stood in the doorway, both appearing very curious as they looked at the damage Kyp had done.

“I’m okay, Jaina.”

Kyp rubbed his temples, feeling one heck of a headache coming on in short tiny bursts. He took a deep breath and shook his head.

What a dream. What a freakishly abnormal dream.

“Head-kriff.” He whispered to himself. “Major head-kriff.”

From the doorway, Kyp heard Jacen suck in a breath. Then the little boy ran down the hall, his bare feet pounding on the floor. “Dad! Kyp said a bad word!”

Kyp laughed.

dreamy sigh

ceillean@gmail.com — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 23:55:05 GMT

need i say more?

Every Day Life Stuff

ceillean@gmail.com — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 22:29:29 GMT

I got home past eleven pm tonight. Tomorrow is a german holiday and I think people thought that the world was going to end over the weekend. Why do people do this? They trampled the store! Bought EVERYTHING. I swear the store was empty. Which means double work for me on Monday, by the way. *sighs*

Obviously I'm tired. But I started reading "Covet" this morning and I really want to see where JR Ward takes us in this book. It's really good. If I weren't so tired, I'd actually write an update of my own. Dear Diary is still waiting. Can't keep Kat drooling over Kyp's shoulder forever, now can I?

Otherwise things are quiet. I've been thinking about NanoWrimo but I still haven't come up with something decent to write. I'd like to stick with contemporary romance this year but being the writing perfectionist that I am, I want to spice it up with something. Question is, with what? The problem I have is that I do have enough ideas and some of these ideas are really good but they're huge ideas. HUGE. Which would mean research and I'm too lazy to do research. I could, of course, make things up along the way. Have the story play out in some unknown fantasy world. But that would end up epic, as I've seen with all the notes I've already scribbled down.

I wonder who the authors do it. How do authors stick with one idea? With one story? I admire this. And I think it's my biggest flaw when it comes to writing. I can't stick with it because I bore myself. If I bore myself, how the heck is the reader supposed to find it interesting?

That's where I think fanfiction comes in quite handy. It's a learning expierience.

I remember one time I wrote a little passage in which two characters were travelling from A to B. And obi commented about how it read as if they'd more or less teleported to B. I will never forget that. It's stuck with me ever since and ever since, I've taken great care not to repeat that mistake. Constructive criticism really isn't all that bad.

I received quite a compliment today. A customer came up to me and said I looked prettier every day. How nice is that? I was stunned into silence of course. I don't see myself as overly pretty. I'm an average looking girl, imo. Besides the skin color. You don't see a lot of mixed people around here. They're either really, really dark or Indian or Turkish but not like me. So I do make heads turn now and then but I still I was stunned. It was definately a very nice thing to day and no doubt I blushed.

I think the way you see yourself is always different than others see you. I might even be too strict with myself sometimes. I'm not skinny. Not anymore anyway. *sighs* Back before all the meds I could go shopping without having to sort through all the sizes just to find something that would fit. It's horrible! I couldn't even find a decent looking jacket because most the girls around here seem to be anorexic. But thank God htere's the internet and thank God there are tons of Goth sites out there. I want a simple black jacket. Easy, yes?

I suppose because of the weight I've gained, I don't feel as comfortable with myself as I used to. So when someone compliments me, my first thought is that they're lying or they don't mean me at all. How messed up is that?

I need to change my personal perception, seriously.

Off to reading my book.

Good night!

Sam and the White Suit and Cass with the Orgy

ceillean@gmail.com — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 09:28:54 GMT

Oh! I LOVED LOVED LOVED LOVED this episode! *dreamy sigh*

In the beginning I wasn't so sure about Castiel. But now I can't imagine the show without him. A multi faceted character. I mean, Cass as a hippie? How cool can the man get. And of course, the look on Dean's face when he heard the Orgy part was priceless.

I love Dean.

And I love Sam, too. Here he is as Lucifer and I can't help but like him. As a viewer, you don't even know for certain if Satan is truly evil. At least that's how I see it. Is he evil? Mislead? Or just downright jealous and that's why he wants to punish the humans. Because to me it seems like he really likes the planet, just not the planet's inhabitants.

And finally! Finally Dean gets some sense and lets Sam return. It was about time. I hated the idea of having the two of them on their own. It just didn't feel right.

So...is it Thursday yet? LOL. Or in my case Friday. ^^

Official Indexer in Beyond The Saga!

ceillean@gmail.com — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 08:30:08 GMT

I am no the Indexer for the Beyond Forums. LillyHobbitJedi stopped in August so I have a lot to catch up on. I already started last night and DANG there are a whole lot of new stories on the boards from August 8th until now. *sighs* I officially start today. Or rather tonight since it's still September 30th in most parts of the USA. October 1st over here already.

Ha! I live in the future.

I woke up this morning listening to the rain peltering on the ground. I don't like the smell of rain on asphalt though, so I got up and closed the window. Still it's cold inside. Brrr.

I have to work today. From two pm until ten pm tonight. Seven long hours sitting at the cas register and pretending to be happy and nice to customers. I hate having to do that, especially towards those customers you just want to pop upside the head.

I've come up with an idea for an Original Novel. I'll start in November once NanoWrimo gets going. I wonder if I can stick with it this year? Last year was easy. I only used snippets of all sorts of stuff and I didn't delete ANYTHING. Hence, I made the 50.000 words.

I think it was the dream of the guy without the eyes that made me come up with the idea. Contemporary Romance I suppose, unless I get carried away and I start writing in supernatural stuff. Which I'm sure is bound to happen so I have to put a leash on myself.

I got paid yesterday. So did my husband. It is awful to know that in about a week, we'll be broke again. I have so many bills to pay from five or six years ago. It's insane. I was young and stupid and basically put, now I have to face the consequences. But foremost my daughter needs a bed so the bills will have to wait another month.

I have to clean. My Mom will be over soon to watch my daughter. *sighs*
But Saturday's a holiday so yay!

Ceillean

What Dies Within Us While We Live -- Part 4

ceillean@gmail.com — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 07:29:01 GMT

Kyp felt sick to his stomach when he left the Doctor’s office. He ignored the young girl at the front desk, he ignored her kind smile and her wave. If he had paid attention, maybe he would have realized that her innocent kindness was what he needed at that moment. But he kept walking, he didn’t look back as he hurried to the lift tube.

When the doors closed behind him, he felt his fingers tremble. He felt his heartbeat racing, felt that it was getting harder to breathe in the enclosed space of the lift tube. Quietly, he counted down the seconds until he could step outside and greet freedom with open arms.

But there was no freedom to be had. Not even as he breathed in the cold evening air. Freedom was a far stretch away. Freedom was for those who had no concept of what it was like to be locked away for years without sunlight, without friends and family, without love. Without the most basic things to make you feel human.

Freedom.

It made him laugh.

Bitterly.

He would never be free because he was imprisoned by his own mind.

***

About an hour later, Kyp arrived at his temporary home. He heard chatter from the living room, Jaina’s squealing laughter as well as young Anakin arguing with his brother Jacen. Han and Leia were with them, seemingly enjoying a family evening together.

Kyp would never interfere. It wasn’t his place to do so. Stealing himself away through the hallway, he made sure to be as quiet as possible. No doubt Leia and the kids had felt his presence already but he didn’t care. He didn’t feel like pretending to be okay when he wasn’t. He didn’t even think he’d be able to hold up the façade, the mask of make-believe happiness he’d perfected over the years.

Inside his room he locked the door behind him while shrugging out of his coat and kicking off his boots. He dropped the coat to the floor and left his boots where they stood.

Unnerving quietness surrounded him, pressed in on him like a mantle of darkness. Kyp swallowed a lump in his throat and shuffled to his bed – he’d taken such great care to straighten out the covers and the pillows that morning and now he asked himself what for?

There was no sense leaving a room clean when you weren’t clean yourself, was there?

With a hollow sounding growl, he ripped the covers from the mattress and threw the pillows to the floor. Why not have his room look like the chaos he felt on a daily basis?

He kicked over the recliner in the corner, threw datacards onto the floor and didn’t even cringe at the cracking sound they made. Anything he could get his hands on ended up on the opposite side of his room.

But when he picked up the stuffed bantha toy, he couldn’t get himself to move. Lifeless beady eyes stared at him, the thing even smiled. And it had been Jaina’s gift.

All of this had been a gift for that matter. This room, the furniture, being able to stay at Han’s place – everything had been a gift and he was on the brink of destroying it.

As this settled in, Kyp held the toy tighter to his chest and dropped to his knees. He bent over, touching his forehead to the floor and for the first time in years, he felt tears running down his cheeks.

***

He tried to stay awake. He fought a battle with heavy eyelids. Exhaustion swept over him like waves of water and eventually, Kyp lost the fight. He lay on the floor, cuddling with the stuffed bantha toy when he was dragged into the land of dreams, a place he hated and a place he could never escape from. It always found him no matter what he did. Not even Jedi calming techniques could keep the dreams at bay.

This dream was different, though. Instead of bloodied and burnt bodies lying around him in a field of charred ruins, instead of hearing high pitched screams and wails in the cold night of an unknown planet, he heard nothing at all. He stood in a field of tall grass and blooming flowers. A single tree was rooted behind him, its bright green leaves dancing with a sweet smelling breeze.

It was a beautiful scene, something out of a fairy tale almost. A cloudless blue sky up overhead with a blazing yellow sun that bestowed welcoming warmth on Kyp’s pale, bare skin. Whatever this place was, it made him feel safe.

And that fact alone made him tread with caution.

Safety within his dreams did not exist. Because when Kyp dreamed, all hell broke loose and mercy was not a given.

***

With bare feet and only clothed in a thin pair of baggy sleeping pants, Kyp walked through the tall grass field with his hands held out to the sides and fingers splayed. Grass blades felt soft against his palms and surprisingly very real.

He stopped and tilted his head upward. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. And in that very moment when he started to feel an inkling of security, the voice appeared out of nowhere. A voice he would never forget even if he could never hear her again.

His mothers’ soft tones were ingrained into his very being and when she spoke, Kyp whirled around to face a blurry image of the woman he remembered. She smiled at him. “You don’t have to be afraid. Not here in any case.”

Kyp let a frown mar his forehead. “Where is here?”

Anais shrugged. “Wherever you want it to be. It is your dream after all.”

“Why are you here?” He asked slowly. His voice broke and he thought he felt a part of his heart shatter as his mother laughed. Force, she was beautiful. And she was dead.

“Because you wanted me to be here, silly.”

“I don’t…” His voice trailed off and he let his head hang like a chided child. “I wish you were here, Mom.”

“But I am.”

“You’re not real.”

Anais stepped forward and reached out with both hands. Gently, she cupped his face and smiled tenderly, a mothers’ smile filled with warmth and love meant for her youngest son alone. “I am as real as you want me to be, Kyp.”

And the strange part was, her touch felt real. He could even almost smell her sweet perfume, the one she loved when they’d still been together.

“You have to face yourself, Kyp.” She said, her smile disappearing as suddenly as it had appeared. Dark clouds obscured the sun overhead and a chilly wind swept around the vast grassland. “But you mustn’t be afraid. It’s one more step on your journey.”

“Mom…” He felt her slipping away. He reached out for her but his hands passed through a transparent ghost of the woman who’d been holding him just seconds before.

***

It was shock that settled in next. Indeed his dreams were vile and evil. Showing him his mother and taking her away yet again? It was beyond cruel and he was angry because of it. He let his anger grow until all that was left was hatred so fierce that he trembled from the inside.

“Go on, let it all out.”

Kyp turned around while balling his fists at his side. But he was taken aback by the sight that met his eyes. It was like looking into a mirror. A few feet away, he saw himself standing in the grass, smiling.

“You’re good at letting all that anger out, aren’t you?”

Where the one was dressed for a night in bed, the other was clad in black, tight-fitting battle clothing. He wore a lightsaber at his belt but the hilt was different from the one Kyp carried. His hair was long, braided down his back with a few thick strands hanging into his face.

“Who are you?” Kyp stammered, taking a step back. Oddly enough, this man made him fear.

“What kind of stupid question is that?” The other man arched a dark brow. “You know the answer already. Stop wasting my time.”

Kyp narrowed his eyes. “Leave.”

“Not gonna happen.” He laughed, a deep chuckle that made the hairs on Kyp’s body stand on end. It was the familiarity that made him edgy. The other man literally oozed darkness and it felt right. It scared the crap out of him. He didn’t even want to think he’d ever go down that path again. Ever again.

So Kyp kept telling himself that all this was only a dream. A twisted dream.

“See, the problem is you.” The other man winked and pointed a finger at Kyp’s chest. “All this whining junk – it’s getting old. So boo-hoo, your family’s dead.” He lowered his voice a fraction. “Get. Over. It.”

“You have no –“

“Don’t you even dare!” His voice boomed across the vast field, echoing while he stepped closer. “Don’t even assume I don’t know what it’s like. There’s one thing you need to keep in mind – we’re one and the same person.” He inclined his head to the side and let a grin spread across his features.

“You’re not me.” It was an outrageous thought. Why was his mind playing these tricks on him? He’d left the dark side behind him.

“The darkness will never fully leave you.” The other man said coming closer still. Only inches separated them. They looked like twins in a heated argument. “If you’ve touched it once, it will always hide within you, ready to break free in a moment’s notice. Someone just needs to push your buttons the right way and bam! You’re back to being me.”

He laughed then, good-naturedly as if he’d told the funniest joke. “I can hardly wait to be free again. Being trapped here in your head is rather dull, to tell you the truth. There isn’t anything to do.”

“If you are the dark side, I will never let you out. I guarantee it.”

The other man merely smiled. “You can’t guarantee anything because you don’t know what the future holds.”

“Neither do you.” It was insane, really. He was talking to himself! To that dark part of himself he kept locked away for a reason.

“I don’t need to know what the future holds. I know you.” He laughed again, darker. Hideous and vile. “And you, my dear counterpart, are in for the ride of your life.”

Kyp turned his back to the man and walked away. He didn’t have to deal with this nonsense crap. It was his dream and so there would be his rules and not the other way around. And talking to himself like a crazy person wasn’t something he was keen on doing.

“Leaving so soon, are you?”

Kyp stopped in mid stride. His dark side stood a few paces away, arms crossed in front of his chest. “You can’t run away from me, Kyp.” There wasn’t a hint of a smile on the man’s face, just pure and blatant fact and truth.

“You will never run away from me.”

tbc

What Dies Within Us While We Live -- Part 3

ceillean@gmail.com — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 07:28:01 GMT

The light of a new day woke him early in the morning. Kyp blinked tired green eyes, unmoving as he focused on the outside world while still in bed. The stuffed bantha toy lay on the floor, beady dark eyes twinkling as the sun’s rays touched it.

Kyp sighed.

A new day.

Life went on no matter how much he wished he could stop time and simply do nothing for as long as he wished.

Eventually, Kyp sat up and pushed the covers aside. Any other young man his age would have gotten up and gotten ready for the day. But Kessel was still drilled into his skull.

Back in the mines, you woke up, you straightened up your bunk, you used the fresher (for which you had a total of exactly seven minutes) and headed to first meal.

Even after all this time, he still needed to get used to a somewhat normal way of life. There was no need to make his bed but he did it anyway. It was the first thing he did every forsaken morning.

A melodic chime sounded throughout the small room. He reached into the Force, focusing his senses beyond the door to the hall. He felt two presences just outside, one content while the other was about bursting with anticipation.

Kyp made sure he was decent before moving to the door mechanism and touched the softly glowing pad with the tips of his fingers.

Little Jaina came running into the room, stopping in front of Kyp with a bright smile on her face. Han stood behind her, arms folded across his chest. “She wanted to come wake you.”

Kyp knelt before the little girl. “The sun beat you to it.” He winked at her.

Jaina giggled. “Will you play with us? Dad said we could listen to the birdie song all day.”

Han groaned loudly and rolled his eyes. “It was either that or watch the spotted bantha cub. Again.”

Kyp ruffled the girls’ hair affectionately. “I’d love to play with you but I have to leave in a bit. I have some things to take care of.”

She nodded. “Dad said you needed to go see a Doctor. Are you sick?”

Her simple, innocent question struck a raw nerve. “I…um…” He cleared his throat, lifted his eyes to meet Han’s for a moment. The older man seemed uncomfortable. “Sort of.” Kyp said after an awkward moment, “I...uh... haven’t been feeling myself lately.”

Jaina nodded but her smile was persistent. “You’ll get better, Kyp.” She hugged him. “I know you will.”

***

“It’s a journey.” Doctor Gorden Kayle sat opposite Kyp in the sitting circle, a transparent writing tablet balanced on one knee. Kyp found himself focusing on Gorden’s lightpen – he kept twirling it between his fingers, back and forth, back and forth.

“To get to your destination”, Gorden continued, “you have to start at the beginning.”

Kyp grimaced. “There are some memories I don’t want to relive.”

Gorden nodded and spread his hands to the sides. “This is completely up to you, of course.”

Sighing, Kyp ran a hand through his hair. All morning Jaina’s question ran through his head.

Are you sick?

“Tell me what’s troubling you, Kyp.”

Inwardly, Kyp groaned.

But this was it, wasn’t it? This was the reason he’d come here in the first place. To talk. To deal with his past and present so he could at least have a try at a decent future.

“What do you want to know?” Kyp said in a dark voice, trying not to look at Gorden.

Why was it that Jaina’s simple question made him feel ill? Made him feel ashamed?

Are you sick?

I don’t know.

Am I?

“Whatever you would like to tell me, Kyp.” Gorden placed the writing pad on the table in front of him but kept the light pen in his hand, still twirling it around between his fingers. It seemed like a habit to keep himself calm.

Kyp sighed and slumped in his chair. “I wouldn’t know where to begin.” He rubbed his eyes, feeling overwhelmingly tired all of a sudden. Tired of being who he was. How wonderful would it be to turn back time and start over? To undo all the mistakes made in a split second by one stupid decision – to trust a being long dead, an angry spirit bent on revenge and a reawakening.

He almost laughed.

It sounded absurd to him, how the hell insane would it sound if he spoke it out loud?

And this wasn’t even the beginning of what he called his life. The down spiral started with Imperials battering down his family’s home and herding them like animals. Kyp was surprised at the anger welling up inside him as he thought back to that one fateful day when his destiny had taken a turn towards the darkest, vilest pits of hell.

Kyp looked up and met Gorden Kayle’s gaze head on. He sat up straight and leaned forward – he would not give in to the nagging whispering voices of doubt. He would face his past and he would live with it with his head held high.

Kyp took a deep breath. “Fine.” His voice was hoarse, scratchy and he felt thirsty suddenly. A sign of nervousness, which he blatantly ignored. “I’ll start with those kriffing Imperial bastards who destroyed my life.” He let venom color the tone of his voice, as much as he could muster. If he could go back and set things straight…

If Gorden was surprised at Kyp’s sudden open emotions, he didn’t show it. He simply sat back and nodded for the young man to continue.

***

Eleven years earlier / 0530 Galactic Standard Time

Kyp sat up in bed with his knees pulled to his chest. He hadn’t been able to sleep and neither had Zeth. The boys’ had retreated into Kyp’s room to watch a few movies and eventually Zeth had dozed off but not Kyp – with each passing minute, it felt like an impossibility to even think about sleeping.

Something was seriously wrong, he could feel it. Every cell in his body sang out to him but Kyp didn’t know what to do. His skin crawled and at times he thought he would choke because it was so hard to breathe.

Zeth snored loudly at Kyp’s feet, sprawled on his back with his mouth open. Kyp frowned and shook his brother but when the older boy didn’t respond, he punched rather than wake him in a nice way.

“Zeth!”

“What?” He turned onto his side, his back facing Kyp and slept on, oblivious to the feelings of dread his brother had to endure.

“Wake up.” Kyp pushed at his brothers’ back; when Zeth didn’t respond, he went back to hitting and punching. As usual. Once he’d actually had to pinch and bite too…
“I don’t wanna wake up.” Zeth grumbled, swatting away Kyp’s small hands. “It’s not even light out yet. Leave me alone.”

Kyp grimaced. “Get up, Zeth!”

“No! Leave me alone you little git.”

Kyp sighed and wrinkled his nose. He wanted Zeth to wake up and what Kyp wanted, Kyp got. He shifted his position so he could stretch out his legs. He moved forward a bit, his little toes touching Zeth’s back. He kicked out like an animal, over and over again until Zeth jumped up with a fierce sounding growl and pounced on his little brother.

“What are you doing?”

Kyp laughed. “Waking you.”

“By kicking me around like a pittin?”

Kyp widened his eyes in shock. “You kick pittins?”

Zeth rolled his eyes and released the eight year old while shaking his head. He slid off the bed and stretched. “I’m going to bed. You stay here.”

But Kyp followed him with worry written all over his pudgy little face. “There’s something wrong, Zeth. Can’t you feel it?”

“The only thing I feel is tired, little brother.” He yawned graciously and loudly, not even bothering to cover his mouth. Their mother would have thrown a fit if she’d seen it.

“But, Zeth, I think we need to go.”

Zeth raised his brows as he turned to face the little boy. Bright green eyes stared back at him, fear evident even in the darkness of the hallway. “What do you mean we need to go?”

“It feels like the right thing to do. We need to wake Mom and Dad and we have to leave. Something bad is going to happen.”

“Kyp, you had a bad dream.” Zeth ruffled his hair and smiled warmly. “There’s nothing you need to worry about.”

But Kyp wasn’t buying it. He knew his brother too well. “You feel it too, don’t you?” His accusatory tone hit a nerve and Zeth blinked, dumbfounded.
“I told you, Kyp, I’m just tired. Now knock it off.”

“But Zeth –“

“Stop it. I’m in no mood for your crap right now. Go back to bed.”

Kyp didn’t move as Zeth headed for his room. He hated being treated like a baby and this time he was serious! He just knew that something bad was going to happen – they needed to leave.

If Zeth didn’t believe him, at least their mother would. She always did, especially when it came to this feelings he had sometimes.
Kyp hurried down the hall to his parents’ bedroom and palmed the door open. Both his parents were sleeping soundly, cuddling in one another’s arms. A part of them didn’t want to disturb them but the part that screamed Danger! overruled.

“Mom!” He called as his small bare feet slapped on the cold floor. “Mom, Dad! Wake up!”

Anais opened her eyes as she heard the almost frantic call of her youngest son. She was up in an instant, flicking the light on and beckoning Kyp to come forward. “What is it?”

“Something’s wrong, Mom. I can feel it. We have to leave.”

“Leave?” His father grumbled, still half asleep.

Anais glanced from father to son, “What’s going on sweetheart?” She asked with a sweet smile, gently caressing the young boy’s cheek.

“You have to believe me! They’re coming here, Mom!”

“Who’s coming, baby?”

“Go back to bed, Kyp. It was just a dream.”

“Zach.” Anais said in a chiding tone. “We need to take this seriously.”

“That’s what you always say.” Zach sat up, glowering darkly. “Special powers you keep saying. He’s a kid, Ana! He just had a bad dream, that’s all.”

“It wasn’t a dream.” Kyp whispered as the feeling of dread intensified suddenly, spiking badly until he could hear his own heartbeat in his ears. “But it’s too late now.”
Seconds after he’d uttered those words, the three of them felt more than heard a thunderous blow echoing throughout their home. Kyp’s parents were up in an instant, throwing the covers aside and nearly slipping on the sleek floor. Zeth came running down the hallway, his face so pale it resembled ash.

Everything happened so fast yet this incident would be a burning memory that would forever haunt Kyp until he breathed his very last breath.

Anais yelled for the boys to hit the ground but her words were drowned out by a blur of blue-white light. The woman dropped to the floor in a heap, unmoving, unconscious. Zach didn’t even have time to push his sons out of harm’s way. The stun blast hit him in his chest.

To Kyp’s eyes, it seemed like a dozen Stormtroopers had found their way into a peaceful home. The front door was smashed open, smoke drifting upward from the locking mechanism.

Zeth, enraged and screaming at the top of his lungs, managed to tackle the lead Stormtrooper. He ripped the white helmet off the soldier and bloodied his own fists in mere seconds as he punched the Stormtrooper continuously. Seemingly oblivious to his surroundings, Zeth didn’t care anymore. All he wanted was revenge, all he wanted was justice.

Zeth was the next to go down in a blue flash of light. He lay twitching on the living room floor like a fish out of water for several seconds until he lay completely still, as if were sleeping.

Kyp was alone. Leaning against the far wall, staring with wide, fearful eyes.

Utterly, completely alone in a dangerous new world.

He just didn’t know it yet.

New pics, new music and just plain stuff

ceillean@gmail.com — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 08:31:30 GMT

I remembered my old blog on blogspot.

ceillean.blogspot.com/

I had to laugh when I read the older posts from 2008. Isn't it amazing how much you can change in one year? And plus all my crazy little notes for Kyp and Liz are quite interesting as well. I had forgotten most of it.

I need to update the blog with more fanfic, since I've misplaced my USB stick. I still haven't found it. Thank God for the internet, seriously. I would have had a nervous breakdown. *laughs*

Yes, new music. I bought Breaking Benjamin's new album called "Dear Agony". Let's just say the Emo kids will love it.
I liked "Phobia" much better. It wasn't so dark and gloomy as the new album. The new songs are good too but it's nothing I could listen to 24/7, unlike the Phobia songs.

Still there are a few text passages that have already stuck with me and no doubt will appear in a story or two. ^^

I had a crazy dream last night. It's a recurring dream in which nothing happens besides a young man sitting beneath a tree in full bloom. It's a beautiful tree, and the man is gorgeous too. At least in the dream I think so. But he has no eyes. Which freaks me out. I've lost count how many times I've had this dream.

Oh wow! I completely lost it at work yesterday. And I shouldn't do that because I have a heart problem and once I've hit that point where I want to bust open some heads, my heart starts acting up. That was so not cool.

Anyway, I come to work and take a look at the schedule for this week. My stupid ass boss wanted me to work through the entire work and then up to ten hours a day.

Bluntly put: fuck that.

I think he doesn't care that I actually have a family. And it's always me. Always me and two other colleagues. What the hell?
So here I am in the office (my boss is on vacation of course. He's having fun in Greece), trying to contain all this built up anger because this has been going on for weeks. But then I reach this point when I have to cry.

When I'm really really pissed, I can't help the tears. When I stop crying -- take cover, seriously.

I did get a day off though. But still it's messed up. I do have a private life as well and I am not married to the damned store.
I was so pissed! And then I come home and I remembered i'd forgotten my meds and obviously I feel like my heart is spasming.

*sighs* So I'm taking it easy today. I was hoping to go get my hair cut again. Way too long.
And my book should be arriving today. I ordered "Covet -- A novel of the fallen angels" by J.R. Ward. I adore all her books. I mean black leather clad Vampires in biker boots? With an attitude? What's not to like? LOL

This is a new series though. She's a great and funny writer so I'm pretty sure the new book will be good too. Although I'm really looking forward to the next installment of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. She left us fans hanging in midair with the last book, seriously.

New pics:

My baby girl is growing! *cries*

And dang it -- she's stubborn. Sometimes I really do need nerves of steel, honestly.

The Hero Factory

ceillean@gmail.com — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 19:35:06 GMT

http://www.cpbintegrated.com/theherofactory/

This is so much fun!

Hello everyone

ceillean@gmail.com — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 18:15:45 GMT

I've had quite a week. I had the evening shift all week. Usually I would come home around a quarter past ten. Yesterday though, we had just locked up, right? Stupid me forgot something inside so we had to unlock again. Up to this point, everything went fine. Until me silly colleague tripped the damned alarm system.

Oh my God! And I thought the red alert on Starfleet vessels was annoying!!!

Once we got all that settled it was almost eleven until I got home and then I had to get up at five because I had to start work at six this morning. I slept two hours maybe. Suffice it to say, I'm walking dead.

So now I'm lounging around on the couch doing nothing special. It's really nice being able to shut off for a while.
I think I'll surf through photobucket and see what kind of yummy pictures I can use for a picture collage as a cover for one of my stories. I've been wanting to do this for a while now.

I got my new ID Card last week and they finally changed my nationality to German/American. And guess what? Lilly has both nationalities as well. I didn't even know that!

There hasn't been anything going on around here lately. My friend Twee came to visit from Amsterdam. Very very fun. Other than that? Same old boring life.

I've gotten all my notes written down in my notebook for my next updates. But I misplaced my USB stick with all my text files which means I have to surf the net and copy all my stuff onto my harddrive. How complicated .and how utterly annoying.

Well, I shall search through pictures now.
And maybe get to watching Supernatural. Maybe. If I don't fall asleep first. *sighs*

Oh yay! New Breaking Benjamin album by the way!!!!

ceillean@gmail.com — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 16:13:52 GMT

The day started off early for me. Five in the morning, if I'm not mistaken. I'm tired and when I'm tired I start to think. Thinking -

- we do this every day, each second of the day but sometimes I wish I could stop.

I wish I could just be me for a while without thinking about others and problems and difficulties I'll have to face the next day.

I yearn for peace and quiet right now. Just for a little while. No sounds, no talk, no nothing.

I keep going back to those two weeks when I was quarantined. In hindsight, these two weeks were wonderful. It was quiet and peaceful.

I want that again.

Just for a little while.

Open Your Eyes (Jaina, Jacen)

ceillean@gmail.com — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 17:30:31 GMT

Title: Open Your Eyes
Characters: Jacen, Jaina, Jag
Genre: Drama
Notes: Songfic to Daughtry's "Open up your eyes". Their new album is wonderful. *dreamy sigh*. My muse sprang back to life and guess what? I actually BOUGHT the album.

Jaina lay alone in bed, exhausted yet afraid to close her eyes for if she did so, she would dream. Her dreams left her rattled, in a state of shock; the edifice of her world crumbled into oblivion when she dreamt. Nightmares ruled her inner mind, bloody and brutal, devastatingly lethal and so very, very real.

She stared up to the dark ceiling where lights filtering through the blinds played havoc with her senses. The outside world seemed just as agitated and restless as she was.

It had been exactly one year since she’d destroyed her soul. She had willingly ripped away her other half, telling herself that it was the right thing to do to save billions of people.

But had it really? On a personal level, had it been worth it?

Jaina turned onto her side, feeling tears sting her eyes. She held them back for crying was a sign of weakness.

Yet as her dark eyes locked onto a bright red rose standing on the nightstand her composure faltered. It was beautiful, this lonesome flower. So very beautiful and yet it didn’t belong. Alone it stood, withering away in a cold, merciless place where death was a certainty.

Jaina drew the covers up to her chin as a coldness seeped into her very bones. She squeezed her eyes shut as an all too familiar pain coursed through her, a lightning strike so fierce and quick, that it was almost too much to bear.

And against her will, a tear trailed down her cheek. A single tear shed for the part of her soul she had killed.

A single rose left to remember
As a single tear falls from her eye
Another cold day in December
A year from the day she said goodbye

At times she wondered if she would ever forgive herself. No matter how many times her friends and family reassured her that it had been the right thing to do, her heart thought otherwise. After all, she had killed her brother.

A murderer.

A tyrant.

A Sith Lord.

He was evil incarnate, wasn’t he? He needed to be stopped. And she had been the only one capable of doing so.

Her mind knew this.

Her heart didn’t want to accept it.

Seems it's only been a moment
Since the angels took him from her arms
And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow
But as they laid him in the ground
Her heart would sing without a sound

Jaina took a deep yet quivering breath and closed her eyes. Exhaustion swept over her, forcing sleep to take her into the realm of dreams she so dreaded. Here, he would find her.

Here, she would again be reminded of his smile, his twinkling eyes, his brotherly love she yearned for. The pain she held bottled up inside crawled through tiny cracks and crevices when she dreamed and sometimes she would wake up, wondering why her face was moist with tears.

Jacen – or was it Caedus? – stood before her and although Jaina knew he wasn’t real, a deep routed fear made her tremble. She didn’t fear her brother, she never had. She feared her actions. She’d killed him once. Would she do it again? No one was here to stop her and Jacen wouldn’t fight back.

Caedus would.

But how was she to know who stood before her now? He had no Force signature in the dream world. He simply was.

“Who are you?” Jaina whispered with a shaky voice. “Get away from me.”
To her utter dismay, the man who was her brother lifted his arm and held out his hand to her.

“Open your eyes, Jaina.” He said in that all too familiar deep voice. Her knees buckled and she choked on a sob. “Take my hand and open your eyes.”

A single lifetime lays behind her
As she draws her final breath
Just beyond the door he'll find her
Taking her hand he softly says

Jaina hesitated. Force, she wanted to take his hand, she wanted to feel his warmth again. She wanted to see his smile, hear his laugh. She wanted to be a part of him. She wanted her brother back.

There were no words to describe how much she missed him, how much she yearned to turn back time and change everything.

Had she noticed sooner, maybe she could have helped him find his way back to the light…
Maybe he would have listened to her. Maybe things would have turned out differently, had he let her in.

So many possibilities…

“Jaina, open your eyes.” Jacen’s face lit up with a smile and he laughed. “Open your eyes and see. It’s finally time.”

He beckoned with his outstretched hand and slowly, Jaina stepped forward. It couldn’t hurt to touch him, even only in a dream. Perhaps it would soothe the ache in her heart. Maybe she would find forgiveness in grasping his hand.

“Open your eyes and see.” Jacen said when he pulled her into a tight hug. He’d always been taller but now it seemed he’d grown larger than life. His entire being enveloped her and the coldness inside her evaporated.

For the first time in what seemed like forever, she could breathe.

The onslaught of emotions was overwhelming; she cried out as she clutched her brother, a part of her not wanting to let go while the other part kept reminding her that all this was only a dream. And dreams ended.

As did everything, eventually.

“It’s time for you to go, Jaina.” Jacen whispered softly. “Open your eyes and see.”
Jaina woke up with a start, feeling warm hands shake her awake. Her sight was blurry with tears, her breathing ragged as she gulped in air.

The dream – a nightmare?

She wasn’t quite sure.

Jaina held back more tears when she realized it was Jag who had woken her. She recognized worry in his eyes and she wanted to reassure him but how when she wasn’t even sure herself?

“Jag…” She whispered in a hoarse voice, throwing her arms around his neck and simply holding him.

Open your eyes, Jaina, and see. She heard Jacen’s voice. A shimmering blue image appeared in front of her, grinning from one ear to the other. She would keep this last picture of him close to heart. So handsome, so beautiful. Her brother. Her twin. The missing part of her soul.

Open your eyes and welcome your new life, Jaina.

He vanished, leaving behind yet another void in her heart.

Hours passed while Jaina sat cuddling with the man she loved, crying for the brother she had lost.

Open your eyes, Jaina. Welcome to your new life.

“I love you, Jacen.” She whispered and for the first time, she could actually see. For the first time, she saw a hopeful future, she saw love and she saw forgiveness.

She saw her new life.

For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
Where no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life

What if?

ceillean@gmail.com — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 21:00:48 GMT

I'm in a pensieve mood tonight. And not because the darn yahoo radio is now playing the titanic suite. Good God! Everyone run!

See, back in school I loved listening to the Titanic Soundtrack and honestly, the music is nice. It's sad yet happy and towards the end, it can actually make your eyes water. I remember a story my friend Jay and I had written back in the day -- we nicknamed the thing "The Italy Story" because the story played in Italy. We were on a class field trip at the time -- and while writing this masterpiece *coughs*, I listened to the Titanic soundtrack. I tried to make it as sad as possible and if my memory doesn't deceive, I do believe there was this one time I actually shed tears because my characters felt so bad about themselves.

Ugh. It's so interesting how much you change, how much your own personal view and perspective changes. I don't even remember where the story was headed but I know today I would change about everything. Well, except the lead male characters. They've been the same since I was thirteen. *laughs*

Anyway, I tried out my internet connection outside in the garden this afternoon and it works perfectly. So I sat down in the moist grass, closed my eyes and first off I enjoyed the sun. It was beautiful today. I went out barefoot, without a coat and simply enjoyed. I haven't done that in a long time and it's sad that I can't find the time to do so.

While I sat I let my mind wander again and I wrote a few sentences of my own. No fanfiction this time. Quite witty and sarcastic, which isn't me at all. Unless I'm seriously pissed. *laughs*

There was a book I once read about how to write a book. It's strange that there are books about writing books. I think you can buy books on about everything nowadays. But what had me hooked were the "What if" questions. And it's a friggin amazing way to come up with stories.

Go through local newspapers and simply ask yourself "What if"?

What if there was no health care system at all?

What if someone finally came up with a cure to the common cold?

What if we would never get sick again?

What if we could live forever?

And here I already have a story brewing. All fine and dandy living forever but nature would find a way to kill us off. Nature always finds a way, to put it in Jeff Goldblum's words during Jurassic Park.
I adored that scene, by the way.

What if there were a third world war?

What if only a handfull of people survived?

What if these people created an entirely new colony, a new civilisation with new rules and guidelines?

What if people rebelled?

And then there are the dark questions. For example, grab the bible and ask questions. I mean, I've never read the bible before but a few basics have stuck with me. Very few, but still.

According to the bible, what if God created Earth and the universe in fourteen days instead of seven?

What if Lucifer is the rightful God but was forced to step aside for whatever reason?

What if God is indeed the evil one?

What if God and Lucifer were siblings?

What if God and Lucifer were the best of friends until petty human feelings got into the way? Jealousy perhaps?

I really do love the what if questions. Only, there are so many! There's no end.

What if a young boy was bullied at school for years and years and when he finally defends himself, he's punished. What if this boy's father is some army general or what not and he's embarassed by his son, disspointed, hurt in his own pride that he sends his son to live with his grandparents in europe or some place i've actually been so i can describe it? ^^
what if his grandfather shows him an entirely new way of life? what if the family holds a dire secret? what if the boy is special?

*sighs*

well, i have three years and three months to go. i mean, i did say i'd write a book until i'm thirty. I still have time. *laughs*

5 minutes of SUPERNATURAL Seasonn FIVE

ceillean@gmail.com — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 10:33:42 GMT

Wooohoooo! I can hardly wait.

Well, am I not a bitter bitch today...

ceillean@gmail.com — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 16:29:49 GMT

You know those days when everything that can go wrong, goes wrong? And then when you might be able to finally find some peace and quiet, you actually can't because some other stupid crap gets in the way?

Today is one of those godforsaken days.

I am so annoyed and I actually don't have a real reason. Besides the fact that I would like an hour or two just for myself. Is that really so much to ask?

Apparantly so.

Why is it that everyone relies on me when they have problems? Do I look like a damned shrink?

I want to be left alone, damn it!

*cries*

Anyway...I shall return to writing.

Unless the damned phone rings again. Or someone else annoying starts pounding at the door.

drools

ceillean@gmail.com — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 14:18:03 GMT

So while trying to finish an update for "Blood Ties" last night, I ended up watching an episode of "Criminal Minds" instead. I had never seen the show before but I got hooked within the first few minutes. There's rarely a show that's got me sitting at the edge of my seat, honestly.

Anyway, then shows up Shemar Moore who plays Derek whatever-his-name-is.

*drools*

*melts*

Wow. Just plain wow.

This man is gorgeous!

So anyway, there's a few new OC's that are going to be popping up all over the place in "Blood Ties", including a very evil person who I picture to look just like him:

This is going to be so much fun, I tell you. I love writing the bad guys. The evil disgusting kind, too. It's actually quite amazing what your mind is capable of picturing. I don't watch bloody horror movies, I don't read bloody stuff but I love writing it. I've been told I have a talent for writing the evil minded. Muhahahahahaha.

Now if I only had more time on my hands, I would get started on writing right now. But, alas -- I still need to do more shopping.
Seriously, I would pay a lot for a housekeeping droid that could clean and shop for me. *sighs*

I had to work this morning. Today I realized I was supposed to go vote for something yesterday. How embarassing is that? I didn't even know there were elections and don't even ask me what we were supposed to vote for, because I have no idea.

I don't know what's going on in the world. I haven't watched the news in months and i'm not joking.
I should, I know. But news isn't what it used to be.

Anyway, Lilly says hi: ooijkklopöllllpüüoooogghgggggggggggg

She like typing like Mom does. Only I'm way faster. *laughs*

ceillean@gmail.com — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 18:02:41 GMT

I just ordered books that have absolutely nothing to do with Vampires, Demons, Werewolves, Star Wars or Fantasy.
The last time this happened was years ago.

- A Thousand Splendid Suns

- Neverwhere

- The Book Thief

- Such a pretty fat: one narcissist's quest to discover if her life makes her ass look big or why pie is not the answer

That last title is long, isn't it? I read the first few pages and laughed my ass off. It sounds hilarious so I'll give it a try. Neverwhere is a Neil Gaiman book, so I lied. It is fantasy related. Hmpf.

I'm really looking forward to the book thief:

The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak was the best-selling debut literary novel of the year 2007, selling over 400,000 copies. The author is a prize-winning writer of children's books, and this, his first novel for adults, proved to be a triumphant success. The book is extraordinary on many levels: moving, yet restrained, angry yet balanced -- and written with the kind of elegance found all too rarely in fiction these days. The book's narrator is nothing less than Death itself, regaling us with a remarkable tale of book burnings, treachery and theft. The book never forgets the primary purpose of compelling the reader's attention, yet which nevertheless is able to impart a cogent message about the importance of words, particularly in those societies which regard the word as dangerous (the book is set during the Nazi regime, but this message is all too relevant in many places in the world today).

Nine-year-old Liesel lives with her foster family on Himmel Street during the dark days of the Third Reich. Her Communist parents have been transported to a concentration camp, and during the funeral for her brother, she manages to steal a macabre book: it is, in fact, a gravediggers’ instruction manual. This is the first of many books which will pass through her hands as the carnage of the Second World War begins to hungrily claim lives. Both Liesel and her fellow inhabitants of Himmel Street will find themselves changed by both words on the printed page and the horrendous events happening around them.

Despite its grim narrator, The Book Thief is, in fact, a life-affirming book, celebrating the power of words and their ability to provide sustenance to the soul. Interestingly, the Second World War setting of the novel does not limit its relevance: in the 20th century, totalitarian censorship throughout the world is as keen as ever at suppressing books (notably in countries where the suppression of human beings is also par for the course) and that other assault on words represented by the increasing dumbing-down of Western society as cheap celebrity replaces the appeal of books for many people, ensures that the message of Marcus Zusak’s book could not be more timely. It is, in fact, required reading -- or should be in any civilised country.

A Thousand Splendid Suns:

Mariam is only fifteen when she is sent to Kabul to marry Rasheed. Nearly two decades later, a friendship grows between Mariam and a local teenager, Laila, as strong as the ties between mother and daughter. When the Taliban take over, life becomes a desperate struggle against starvation, brutality and fear. Yet love can move a person to act in unexpected ways, and lead them to overcome the most daunting obstacles with a startling heroism.

Neverwhere:

Neverwhere's protagonist, Richard Mayhew, learns the hard way that no good deed goes unpunished. He ceases to exist in the ordinary world of London Above, and joins a quest through the dark and dangerous London Below, a shadow city of lost and forgotten people, places, and times. His companions are Door, who is trying to find out who hired the assassins who murdered her family and why; the Marquis of Carabas, a trickster who trades services for very big favors; and Hunter, a mysterious lady who guards bodies and hunts only the biggest game. London Below is a wonderfully realized shadow world, and the story plunges through it like an express passing local stations, with plenty of action and a satisfying conclusion. The story is reminiscent of Douglas Adams's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but Neil Gaiman's humor is much darker and his images sometimes truly horrific. Puns and allusions to everything from Paradise Lost to The Wonderful Wizard of Oz abound, but you can enjoy the book without getting all of them. Gaiman is definitely not just for graphic-novel fans anymore.

Oh, and then there is a book called The Captive Flesh:

A historical tale set in the decadent splendor of a North African mansion. Nineteenth-century French convent girls Marietta and Claudine discover that their handsome host’s invitation to stay in his exotic palace requires something in return: submitting to the ecstasy of pleasure in pain.

It's not usually the kind of stuff I read but I'll try it out. Either I'll like it or it'll be so horrible, I'll throw it up against the wall. Who knows.

Yep, I'm back in a reading and writing frenzy. I finally updated my Dear Diary on the boards. The main character and yummy Kyp Durron don't get along at all. But Zekk to the rescue! *laughs* It's so much fun.

I'm reading "Bad Moon Rising" by Sherrylin Kenyon right now. I've missed her humor, I really have. It's such an enjoyable book but still sometimes I ask myself, what sense an editor has when the editor doesn't even edit. Oh well. But still fun! And you know what's really great?

I'm half way through the book and there hasn't been a single sex scene yet! I love that because it builds tension AND she's learning to tell a real story, instead of just making it about humping around with hawt men.

Well...

ceillean@gmail.com — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 21:34:40 GMT

I've been married for three years now. We had our three year wedding anniversary yesterday. We didn't really do anything because we both had to work. Just a normal day and Lilly wasn't feeling well either. She had a pretty bad stomach ache, the poor thing.

I have my own little netbook now. Finally.
At first I had thought about buying a laptop but they're quite expensive. I didn't want anything fancy, just something I could drag around so I could write. And the netbook is great for just that.
It's small, I can stuff it into my backpack, I can surf the net, listen to music, watch movies and it's so tiny!
It's adorable.

Things have been slow around here. Work is still the same, besides the fact that the big bosses want us to change our opening hours to friggin ten pm.

Hell.

Fucking.

No.

Seems they don't care about people with kids and husbands who have to be at work at eleven PM.
Idiots.

But the good thing is that they need me so even though they'll bitch about it, they'll have to change something on our working schedule because I will not work until ten pm. I wouldn't be home until like eleven thirty at night.
And I don't earn enough to put up with crap like that.

Writing's been going well. I have way too many fanfics to update but the original story is coming along, finally.
It'll take a while to finish, though. It's like a sporadic updating -- whenever I feel like it which is hardly ever lately.

I've even ignored my books and that's a first. I bought Sherrilyn Kenyon's new book today. It's called "Bad Moon Rising". It sounds nice, I mean, anything involving Dark Hunters sounds nice to me. I just adore them.
Along with J.R. Ward's marvelicious hunky Vampire men. *dreamy sigh*

Where can I sign up to buy one?

I'm in a contempative mood today, which means I just might be able to update "What dies inside us while we live". I came up with this while listening to the new Harry Potter Soundtrack and evertime I update, I have to listen to the one and same song over and over again. It makes the juices flow, it seems.

*sighs* She's growing up so fast.

drools

ceillean@gmail.com — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 19:23:21 GMT

I was watching "Tristan and Isolde" just now and a character in the movie made me drool. Again, it's Henry Cavill. He keeps on showing up! Honestly. Always him.

Anyway, give him a lightsaber and he'd be my pick for Kyp.

With this next pic I'm not so sure but still, the man is hawt and drool-worthy. *swoons*

New hair tomorrow, new kitchen on saturday

ceillean@gmail.com — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 21:58:57 GMT

Things are looking up!

I'm going to get my hair cut tomorrow. I'm thoroughly annoyed by all the hair I lose when I brush it. I actually have tiny bald spots all around my head. I remember when I used to have long, thick hair. And now?
I'm THIS close to shaving my head and I'm not joking. It's no fun anymore.

On the one hand, I'd love long hair again. Even if only for a few months. I was thinking about trying out extensions but since my scalp hurts without doing anything, I guess the weight of fake hair would give me a permanent headache.

So off with the hair. Short and easily styled. Still a lot of hair loss but who cares? Either way, I won't be getting my pretty thick hair back. *cries*

Anyway, we bought a used kitchen about three weeks ago. And now Andrés friend has a kitchen for sell that is to die for.
So away with the old new kitchen and in with the new new kitchen. Make sense?
It has a glossy white front, with a dish washer too. My very first dish washer. Yay for me.

I got done reading The Darkness novel last night. *swoons* I want my personal Jackie. AND my personal Kyp.
OOOOOh! There's this photographer who has pictures of a hunky half nekkid dude hanging in his window. I wonder if he's from the city? *grins like a maniac*

Today at work this young guy comes up to me and asks if we sell condoms. I had such a hard time keeping a straight face because this guy was as red as a tomato. Sorry, no condoms here.
I would have remembered condoms. *laughs*

My baby girl: she looks like she has elf ears. ^^

The Darkness and Jackie

ceillean@gmail.com — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 15:01:59 GMT

I don't know why but I've returned back to the Darkness fan domain.
I don't quite remember when Jay and I stumbled across Mr. Jackie Estacado but it's been a few years. Ever since then he's my main image for hotness characters in books and all.

I bought a Darkness novel based on the game. I had the game for a while but I didn't like it all that much. Ego shooters and myself don't match. Then I bought the trade comic "Accursed". I'd heard of it but I never really wanted to read it because he gets his own creation pregnant and he and his son battle each other.

How cliche can you get?

But hey, for four euros?

And it's Jackie. I can't say no to Jackie. *grins*

Very first website!!!!!!!

ceillean@gmail.com — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 05:29:07 GMT

*dances*

I've finally started my own website. It's not nearly done yet. I'm still missing a few things I have to through boxes to find. But I think it's kind of neat so far:

http://www.ceillean.com

Very original, huh? ^^