I've been in a contemplative mood the past few days. I don't have much of reason to ponder everything and anything but I tend to do so, especially when trying to watch television. I've had a few days off and once I'm done cleaning, once I'm fed up with reading and writing, I watch TV. And I get bored.

TV-land has turned into junk,honestly. There's nothing remotely interesting. In the mornings (we call it housewife TV) you have reality shows that are just plain stupid, then there's this entertainment crap they actually call news and after that, talkshows and court shows.
How about a documentary now and then? Something that could actually help you learn something. Ugh.

Lilly is only allowed to watch the kiddie stuff. It's annoying but cute I have to admit.

I need to head into the kitchen and start cooking in a bit. It's Gulash today.

What else is new in my world?

I'm being interviewed on the boards! Which I think is very cool. On the FanFic Resource boards there's an Author Interview Thread and I'm up next. I was STUNNED when Nat asked me if I would do it. Me? Of all the fantastic writers on the boards, they want to interview me next? Stunned and speachless I tell you.

I've started reading Alexandra Potter again. She's such a funny writer, even though her main female characters are mostly entirely idiotic typical stupid females. *sighs* Maybe she portrays the average woman, I don't know. All I know is that I sure as hell cannot relate to the way these woman behave.
So we have this old guy, claiming a young cute guy just punched him for no reason other than he was seeing his mother.

She was aghast that the cute guy had punched the old guy. And hence, she started hating the cute guy.

First off, how about asking questions instead of just believing one side of the story? Secondly, why be shocked when men punch each other? If they have a good enough reason, have at it!

As said, the one thing I really don't like about her books is the female character acting stupid. Otherwise the stories are really cute. And thanks for that, otherwise I would have chucked the books out the window.

I baught a book called "The Captive Flesh" a while ago. I haven't read it yet and I won't. I skimmed through the pages and that was quite enough. I'm an open minded person, I really am. But this is even too much for me. Male dominance, female obedience in the most oscene, deragatory form there is. It's hideous.

But it seems a lot of people read these kind of novels because there's a huge scene, especially on the net.

Sherrylin Kenyon has two new books out for a new series I'm looking forward to reading. The League. Assassin's I believe. Assassin stories are always cool. ^^

I've been playing Assassin's Creed 2 on the Xbox. A whole lot of fun, I tell you. I'm learning to kill people quietly. ^^ And honestly, I'm keeping this stuff in mind for later fanfic or original stories. You never know.

Last night I started on a story about old letters found in a trunk hidden in the attic. Early 1900's maybe? I think the idea is cute, especially since you can have a dramatic love story revolve around these letters. Maybe even something paranormal? Like witchcraft perhaps? There are so many possibilities.

But it's a time issue, as usual. *sighs*

I just got done hanging up laundry to dry. I could do with a dryer, right about now, honestly. It's amazing how long it takes to hang up baby socks and baby undies. Ugh.

I should cook now. Kinda hungry.

I haven't felt this crappy in forever.

First off, I have a cold. A really bad cold this time around. I thought it was about done with until I started hacking up half a lung. I sound like frickin Darth Vader when I breathe, seriously. It's not fun.

I'm on sick leave because of my shoulder. I have something called bursitis and holy hell it hurts! I can't lift my arm. And here I had thought that while being home I could enjoy a little time away from work. Well, tough luck, huh? I got sick.

And right at this moment I feel like I'm going to puke any minute now. My stomach is rebelling, I tell you. I considered sleeping in front of the toilet but it didn't work. Because everything wants to stay inside and make me feel miserable. When I lay down, it's worse. When I move around, it's disgusting. When i sit up, it's tolerable. So sleeping is out of the question right about now.

Oh, and then I stepped on my glasses just now. Twisted frame. This day is just starting out perfectly, isn't it?

I HATE feeling nauseous. It's the most disgusting thing ever! HATE IT.

I need a miracle pill. God,, I hope this'll be over soon. I haven't slept in almost two days and I'm exhausted.

*cries*

At least I had fun watching Supernatural. See, not even a stupid cold can kill all the humor inside of me. Muhahahahahahaahaha!

need i say more?

I got home past eleven pm tonight. Tomorrow is a german holiday and I think people thought that the world was going to end over the weekend. Why do people do this? They trampled the store! Bought EVERYTHING. I swear the store was empty. Which means double work for me on Monday, by the way. *sighs*

Obviously I'm tired. But I started reading "Covet" this morning and I really want to see where JR Ward takes us in this book. It's really good. If I weren't so tired, I'd actually write an update of my own. Dear Diary is still waiting. Can't keep Kat drooling over Kyp's shoulder forever, now can I?

Otherwise things are quiet. I've been thinking about NanoWrimo but I still haven't come up with something decent to write. I'd like to stick with contemporary romance this year but being the writing perfectionist that I am, I want to spice it up with something. Question is, with what? The problem I have is that I do have enough ideas and some of these ideas are really good but they're huge ideas. HUGE. Which would mean research and I'm too lazy to do research. I could, of course, make things up along the way. Have the story play out in some unknown fantasy world. But that would end up epic, as I've seen with all the notes I've already scribbled down.

I wonder who the authors do it. How do authors stick with one idea? With one story? I admire this. And I think it's my biggest flaw when it comes to writing. I can't stick with it because I bore myself. If I bore myself, how the heck is the reader supposed to find it interesting?

That's where I think fanfiction comes in quite handy. It's a learning expierience.

I remember one time I wrote a little passage in which two characters were travelling from A to B. And obi commented about how it read as if they'd more or less teleported to B. I will never forget that. It's stuck with me ever since and ever since, I've taken great care not to repeat that mistake. Constructive criticism really isn't all that bad.

I received quite a compliment today. A customer came up to me and said I looked prettier every day. How nice is that? I was stunned into silence of course. I don't see myself as overly pretty. I'm an average looking girl, imo. Besides the skin color. You don't see a lot of mixed people around here. They're either really, really dark or Indian or Turkish but not like me. So I do make heads turn now and then but I still I was stunned. It was definately a very nice thing to day and no doubt I blushed.

I think the way you see yourself is always different than others see you. I might even be too strict with myself sometimes. I'm not skinny. Not anymore anyway. *sighs* Back before all the meds I could go shopping without having to sort through all the sizes just to find something that would fit. It's horrible! I couldn't even find a decent looking jacket because most the girls around here seem to be anorexic. But thank God htere's the internet and thank God there are tons of Goth sites out there. I want a simple black jacket. Easy, yes?

I suppose because of the weight I've gained, I don't feel as comfortable with myself as I used to. So when someone compliments me, my first thought is that they're lying or they don't mean me at all. How messed up is that?

I need to change my personal perception, seriously.

Off to reading my book.

Good night!

 Oh! I LOVED LOVED LOVED LOVED this episode! *dreamy sigh*

In the beginning I wasn't so sure about Castiel. But now I can't imagine the show without him. A multi faceted character. I mean, Cass as a hippie? How cool can the man get. And of course, the look on Dean's face when he heard the Orgy part was priceless.

I love Dean.

And I love Sam, too. Here he is as Lucifer and I can't help but like him. As a viewer, you don't even know for certain if Satan is truly evil. At least that's how I see it. Is he evil? Mislead? Or just downright jealous and that's why he wants to punish the humans. Because to me it seems like he really likes the planet, just not the planet's inhabitants.

And finally! Finally Dean gets some sense and lets Sam return. It was about time. I hated the idea of having the two of them on their own. It just didn't feel right. 

So...is it Thursday yet? LOL. Or in my case Friday. ^^ 

I am no the Indexer for the Beyond Forums. LillyHobbitJedi stopped in August so I have a lot to catch up on. I already started last night and DANG there are a whole lot of new stories on the boards from August 8th until now. *sighs* I officially start today. Or rather tonight since it's still September 30th in most parts of the USA. October 1st over here already.

Ha! I live in the future.

I woke up this morning listening to the rain peltering on the ground. I don't like the smell of rain on asphalt though, so I got up and closed the window. Still it's cold inside. Brrr.

I have to work today. From two pm until ten pm tonight. Seven long hours sitting at the cas register and pretending to be happy and nice to customers. I hate having to do that, especially towards those customers you just want to pop upside the head.

I've come up with an idea for an Original Novel. I'll start in November once NanoWrimo gets going. I wonder if I can stick with it this year? Last year was easy. I only used snippets of all sorts of stuff and I didn't delete ANYTHING. Hence, I made the 50.000 words.

I think it was the dream of the guy without the eyes that made me come up with the idea. Contemporary Romance I suppose, unless I get carried away and I start writing in supernatural stuff. Which I'm sure is bound to happen so I have to put a leash on myself.

I got paid yesterday. So did my husband. It is awful to know that in about a week, we'll be broke again. I have so many bills to pay from five or six years ago. It's insane. I was young and stupid and basically put, now I have to face the consequences. But foremost my daughter needs a bed so the bills will have to wait another month.

I have to clean. My Mom will be over soon to watch my daughter. *sighs*
But Saturday's a holiday so yay!

Ceillean

I remembered my old blog on blogspot.

ceillean.blogspot.com/

I had to laugh when I read the older posts from 2008. Isn't it amazing how much you can change in one year? And plus all my crazy little notes for Kyp and Liz are quite interesting as well. I had forgotten most of it.

I need to update the blog with more fanfic, since I've misplaced my USB stick. I still haven't found it. Thank God for the internet, seriously. I would have had a nervous breakdown. *laughs* 

Yes, new music. I bought Breaking Benjamin's new album called "Dear Agony". Let's just say the Emo kids will love it.
I liked "Phobia" much better. It wasn't so dark and gloomy as the new album. The new songs are good too but it's nothing I could listen to 24/7, unlike the Phobia songs.

Still there are a few text passages that have already stuck with me and no doubt will appear in a story or two. ^^

I had a crazy dream last night. It's a recurring dream in which nothing happens besides a young man sitting beneath a tree in full bloom. It's a beautiful tree, and the man is gorgeous too. At least in the dream I think so.  But he has no eyes. Which freaks me out. I've lost count how many times I've had this dream.

Oh wow! I completely lost it at work yesterday. And I shouldn't do that because I have a heart problem and once I've hit that point where I want to bust open some heads, my heart starts acting up. That was so not cool.

Anyway, I come to work and take a look at the schedule for this week. My stupid ass boss wanted me to work through the entire work and then up to ten hours a day.

Bluntly put: fuck that.

I think he doesn't care that I actually have a family. And it's always me. Always me and two other colleagues. What the hell?
So here I am in the office (my boss is on vacation of course. He's having fun in Greece), trying to contain all this built up anger because this has been going on for weeks. But then I reach this point when I have to cry.

When I'm really really pissed, I can't help the tears. When I stop crying -- take cover, seriously.

I did get a day off though. But still it's messed up. I do have a private life as well and I am not married to the damned store.
I was so pissed! And then I come home and I remembered i'd forgotten my meds and obviously I feel like my heart is spasming.

*sighs* So I'm taking it easy today. I was hoping to go get my hair cut again. Way too long.
And my book should be arriving today. I ordered "Covet -- A novel of the fallen angels" by J.R. Ward. I adore all her books. I mean black leather clad Vampires in biker boots? With an attitude? What's not to like? LOL

This is a new series though. She's a great and funny writer so I'm pretty sure the new book will be good too. Although I'm really looking forward to the next installment of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. She left us fans hanging in midair with the last book, seriously.

New pics:





My baby girl is growing! *cries*

And dang it -- she's stubborn. Sometimes I really do need nerves of steel, honestly.

http://www.cpbintegrated.com/theherofactory/

This is so much fun!

I've had quite a week. I had the evening shift all week. Usually I would come home around a quarter past ten. Yesterday though, we had just locked up, right? Stupid me forgot something inside so we had to unlock again. Up to this point, everything went fine. Until me silly colleague tripped the damned alarm system.

Oh my God! And I thought the red alert on Starfleet vessels  was annoying!!!

Once we got all that settled it was almost eleven until I got home and then I had to get up at five because I had to start work at six this morning. I slept two hours maybe. Suffice it to say, I'm walking dead.

So now I'm lounging around on the couch doing nothing special. It's really nice being able to shut off for a while.
I think I'll surf through photobucket and see what kind of yummy pictures I can use for a picture collage as a cover for one of my stories. I've been wanting to do this for a while now.

I got my new ID Card last week and they finally changed my nationality to German/American. And guess what? Lilly has both nationalities as well. I didn't even know that!

There hasn't been anything going on around here lately. My friend Twee came to visit from Amsterdam. Very very fun. Other than that? Same old boring life.

I've gotten all my notes written down in my notebook for my next updates. But I misplaced my USB stick with all my text files which means I have to surf the net and copy all my stuff onto my harddrive. How complicated .and how utterly annoying.

Well, I shall search through pictures now.
And maybe get to watching Supernatural. Maybe. If I don't fall asleep first. *sighs*

Oh yay! New Breaking Benjamin album by the way!!!!

The day started off early for me. Five in the morning, if I'm not mistaken. I'm tired and when I'm tired I start to think. Thinking -

- we do this every day, each second of the day but sometimes I wish I could stop. I wish I could just be me for a while without thinking about others and problems and difficulties I'll have to face the next day. I yearn for peace and quiet right now. Just for a little while. No sounds, no talk, no nothing. I keep going back to those two weeks when I was quarantined. In hindsight, these two weeks were wonderful. It was quiet and peaceful. I want that again. Just for a little while.

I'm in a pensieve mood tonight. And not because the darn yahoo radio is now playing the titanic suite. Good God! Everyone run!

See, back in school I loved listening to the Titanic Soundtrack and honestly, the music is nice. It's sad yet happy and towards the end, it can actually make your eyes water. I remember a story my friend Jay and I had written back in the day -- we nicknamed the thing "The Italy Story" because the story played in Italy. We were on a class field trip at the time -- and while writing this masterpiece *coughs*, I listened to the Titanic soundtrack. I tried to make it as sad as possible and if my memory doesn't deceive, I do believe there was this one time I actually shed tears because my characters felt so bad about themselves.

Ugh. It's so interesting how much you change, how much your own personal view and perspective changes. I don't even remember where the story was headed but I know today I would change about everything. Well, except the lead male characters. They've been the same since I was thirteen. *laughs*

Anyway, I tried out my internet connection outside in the garden this afternoon and it works perfectly. So I sat down in the moist grass, closed my eyes and first off I enjoyed the sun. It was beautiful today. I went out barefoot, without a coat and simply enjoyed. I haven't done that in a long time and it's sad that I can't find the time to do so.

While I sat I let my mind wander again and I wrote a few sentences of my own. No fanfiction this time. Quite witty and sarcastic, which isn't me at all. Unless I'm seriously pissed. *laughs*

There was a book I once read about how to write a book. It's strange that there are books about writing books. I  think you can buy books on about everything nowadays. But what had me hooked were the "What if" questions. And it's a friggin amazing way to come up with stories.

Go through local newspapers and simply ask yourself "What if"?

What if there was no health care system at all?

What if someone finally came up with a cure to the common cold?

What if we would never get sick again?

What if we could live forever?

And here I already have a story brewing. All fine and dandy living forever but nature would find a way to kill us off. Nature always finds a way, to put it in Jeff Goldblum's words during Jurassic Park.
I adored that scene, by the way.

What if there were a third world  war?

What if only a handfull of people survived?

What if these people created an entirely new colony, a new civilisation with new rules and guidelines?

What if people rebelled?

And then there are the dark questions. For example, grab the bible and ask questions. I mean, I've never read the bible before but a few basics have stuck with me. Very few, but still.

According to the bible, what if God created Earth and the universe in fourteen days instead of seven?

What if Lucifer is the rightful God but was forced to step aside for whatever reason?

What if God is indeed the evil one?

What if God and Lucifer were siblings?

What if God and Lucifer were the best of friends until petty human feelings got into the way? Jealousy perhaps?

I really do love the what if questions. Only, there are so many! There's no end.

What if a young boy was bullied at school for years and years and when he finally defends himself, he's punished. What if this boy's father is some army general or what not and he's embarassed by his son, disspointed, hurt in his own pride that he sends his son to live with his grandparents in europe or some place i've actually been so i can describe it? ^^
what if his grandfather shows him an entirely new way of life? what if the family holds a dire secret? what if the boy is special?

*sighs*

well, i have three years and three months to go. i mean, i did say i'd write a book until i'm thirty. I still have time. *laughs*

Wooohoooo! I can hardly wait.

You know those days when everything that can go wrong, goes wrong? And then when you might be able to finally find some peace and quiet, you actually can't because some other stupid crap gets in the way?

Today is one of those godforsaken days.

I am so annoyed and I actually don't have a real reason. Besides the fact that I would like an hour or two just for myself. Is that really so much to ask?

Apparantly so.

Why is it that everyone relies on me when they have problems? Do I look like a damned shrink?

I want to be left alone, damn it!

*cries*

Anyway...I shall return to writing.

Unless the damned phone rings again. Or someone else annoying starts pounding at the door.

So while trying to finish an update for "Blood Ties" last night, I ended up watching an episode of "Criminal Minds" instead. I had never seen the show before but I got hooked within the first few minutes. There's rarely a show that's got me sitting at the edge of my seat, honestly.

Anyway, then shows up Shemar Moore who plays Derek whatever-his-name-is.

*drools*

*melts*

Wow. Just plain wow.

This man is gorgeous!



So anyway, there's a few new OC's that are going to be popping up all over the place in "Blood Ties", including a very evil person who I picture to look just like him:



This is going to be so much fun, I tell you. I love writing the bad guys. The evil disgusting kind, too. It's actually quite amazing what your mind is capable of picturing. I don't watch bloody horror movies, I don't read bloody stuff but I love writing it. I've been told I have a talent for writing the evil minded. Muhahahahahaha.

Now if I only had more time on my hands, I would get started on writing right now. But, alas -- I still need to do more shopping.
Seriously, I would pay a lot for a housekeeping droid that could clean and shop for me. *sighs*

I had to work this morning. Today I realized I was supposed to go vote for something yesterday. How embarassing is that? I didn't even know there were elections and don't even ask me what we were supposed to vote for, because I have no idea.

I don't know what's going on in the world. I haven't watched the news in months and i'm not joking.
I should, I know. But news isn't what it used to be. 

Anyway, Lilly says hi: ooijkklopöllllpüüoooogghgggggggggggg

She like typing like Mom does. Only I'm way faster. *laughs*

I just ordered books that have absolutely nothing to do with Vampires, Demons, Werewolves, Star Wars or Fantasy.
The last time this happened was years ago.

- A Thousand Splendid Suns

- Neverwhere

- The Book Thief

- Such a pretty fat: one narcissist's quest to discover if her life makes her ass look big or why pie is not the answer



That last title is long, isn't it? I read the first few pages and laughed my ass off. It sounds hilarious so I'll give it a try. Neverwhere is a Neil Gaiman book, so I lied. It is fantasy related. Hmpf.

I'm really looking forward to the book thief:

The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak was the best-selling debut literary novel of the year 2007, selling over 400,000 copies. The author is a prize-winning writer of children's books, and this, his first novel for adults, proved to be a triumphant success. The book is extraordinary on many levels: moving, yet restrained, angry yet balanced -- and written with the kind of elegance found all too rarely in fiction these days. The book's narrator is nothing less than Death itself, regaling us with a remarkable tale of book burnings, treachery and theft. The book never forgets the primary purpose of compelling the reader's attention, yet which nevertheless is able to impart a cogent message about the importance of words, particularly in those societies which regard the word as dangerous (the book is set during the Nazi regime, but this message is all too relevant in many places in the world today).

Nine-year-old Liesel lives with her foster family on Himmel Street during the dark days of the Third Reich. Her Communist parents have been transported to a concentration camp, and during the funeral for her brother, she manages to steal a macabre book: it is, in fact, a gravediggers’ instruction manual. This is the first of many books which will pass through her hands as the carnage of the Second World War begins to hungrily claim lives. Both Liesel and her fellow inhabitants of Himmel Street will find themselves changed by both words on the printed page and the horrendous events happening around them.

Despite its grim narrator, The Book Thief is, in fact, a life-affirming book, celebrating the power of words and their ability to provide sustenance to the soul. Interestingly, the Second World War setting of the novel does not limit its relevance: in the 20th century, totalitarian censorship throughout the world is as keen as ever at suppressing books (notably in countries where the suppression of human beings is also par for the course) and that other assault on words represented by the increasing dumbing-down of Western society as cheap celebrity replaces the appeal of books for many people, ensures that the message of Marcus Zusak’s book could not be more timely. It is, in fact, required reading -- or should be in any civilised country.

A Thousand Splendid Suns:

Mariam is only fifteen when she is sent to Kabul to marry Rasheed. Nearly two decades later, a friendship grows between Mariam and a local teenager, Laila, as strong as the ties between mother and daughter. When the Taliban take over, life becomes a desperate struggle against starvation, brutality and fear. Yet love can move a person to act in unexpected ways, and lead them to overcome the most daunting obstacles with a startling heroism.

Neverwhere:

Neverwhere's protagonist, Richard Mayhew, learns the hard way that no good deed goes unpunished. He ceases to exist in the ordinary world of London Above, and joins a quest through the dark and dangerous London Below, a shadow city of lost and forgotten people, places, and times. His companions are Door, who is trying to find out who hired the assassins who murdered her family and why; the Marquis of Carabas, a trickster who trades services for very big favors; and Hunter, a mysterious lady who guards bodies and hunts only the biggest game. London Below is a wonderfully realized shadow world, and the story plunges through it like an express passing local stations, with plenty of action and a satisfying conclusion. The story is reminiscent of Douglas Adams's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but Neil Gaiman's humor is much darker and his images sometimes truly horrific. Puns and allusions to everything from Paradise Lost to The Wonderful Wizard of Oz abound, but you can enjoy the book without getting all of them. Gaiman is definitely not just for graphic-novel fans anymore.

Oh, and then there is a book called The Captive Flesh:

A historical tale set in the decadent splendor of a North African mansion. Nineteenth-century French convent girls Marietta and Claudine discover that their handsome host’s invitation to stay in his exotic palace requires something in return: submitting to the ecstasy of pleasure in pain.

It's not usually the kind of stuff I read but I'll try it out. Either I'll like it or it'll be so horrible, I'll throw it up against the wall. Who knows.

Yep, I'm back in a reading and writing frenzy. I finally updated my Dear Diary on the boards. The main character and yummy Kyp Durron don't get along at all. But Zekk to the rescue! *laughs* It's so much fun.

I'm reading "Bad Moon Rising" by Sherrylin Kenyon right now. I've missed her humor, I really have. It's such an enjoyable book but still sometimes I ask myself, what sense an editor has when the editor doesn't even edit. Oh well. But still fun! And you know what's really great?

I'm half way through the book and there hasn't been a single sex scene yet! I love that because it builds tension AND she's learning to tell a real story, instead of just making it about humping around with hawt men.

I've been married for three years now. We had our three year wedding anniversary yesterday. We didn't really do anything because we both had to work. Just a normal day and Lilly wasn't feeling well either. She had a pretty bad stomach ache, the poor thing.

I have my own little netbook now. Finally.
At first I had thought about buying a laptop but they're quite expensive. I didn't want anything fancy, just something I could drag around so I could write. And the netbook is great for just that.
It's small, I can stuff it into my backpack, I can surf the net, listen to music, watch movies and it's so tiny!
It's adorable.



Things have been slow around here. Work is still the same, besides the fact that the big bosses want us to change our opening hours to friggin ten pm.

Hell.

Fucking.

No.

Seems they don't care about people with kids and husbands who have to be at work at eleven PM.
Idiots.

But the good thing is that they need me so even though they'll bitch about it, they'll have to change something on our working schedule because I will not work until ten pm. I wouldn't be home until like eleven thirty at night.
And I don't earn enough to put up with crap like that.

Writing's been going well. I have way too many fanfics to update but the original story is coming along, finally.
It'll take a while to finish, though. It's like a sporadic updating -- whenever I feel like it which is hardly ever lately. 

I've even ignored my books and that's a first. I bought Sherrilyn Kenyon's new book today. It's called "Bad Moon Rising". It sounds nice, I mean, anything involving Dark Hunters sounds nice to me. I just adore them.
Along with J.R. Ward's marvelicious hunky Vampire men. *dreamy sigh*

Where can I sign up to buy one?

I'm in a contempative mood today, which means I just might be able to update "What dies inside us while we live". I came up with this while listening to the new Harry Potter Soundtrack and evertime I update, I have to listen to the one and same song over and over again. It makes the juices flow, it seems.



*sighs* She's growing up so fast.